Dear Ones,
Recently I was kneecapped by an email “What To Do If A Friend Ghosts You.” I have a painful relationship in which I’ve been soft-ghosted (you know, those anemic emoji responses that offer no language… just a like or ???????? or ♥️). Apparently lots of us have this experience. Knowing that I’m not alone eases my pain a skootch, and still, it’s cruddy. I’ve gone from being deeply in-scene with the person, trudging along side-by-side, laughing, confiding, kibitzing through life, to suddenly being only in summary. How do we manage when someone we care about, a friend, a relative, fades from our life? According to the NYTs it affects:
- self-esteem
- sense of agency
- sense of belonging
(Soft)ghosting is ambiguous loss. Without closure we cling to hope that things can return to the once friendly and intimate glory. Boy, do I know how to cling!
The article names ways to heal:
- end the cycle of wondering by accepting things will not be the same
- name your feelings…anger, pain, confusion, sorrow
- work on fortifying other relationships that make you feel connected
- recognize that the ghosting may have nothing to do with you
Yeah, right NYTs, of course I think it’s me! Maybe the person recognized things I already dislike about myself? But ending the cycle of wondering (which would be a great title, right?), accepting that things will not be the same, that’s where I’ll invest my time.
read
I often look to literature for solace, to feel less alone, and to face hard things. Here are ten (+1) books that feature the solace and trials of friendship:
LAST NIGHT AT THE LOBSTER, Stewart O’Nan
ORDINARY GIRLS, Jaquira Diaz
FIONA AND JANE, Jean Chen Ho
THE FRIEND WHO GOT AWAY, Jenny Offill and Elissa Schappall
THE JANE AUSTIN BOOK CLUB, Karen Joy Fowler
MY BRILLIANT FRIEND, Elena Ferrante
THE INTERESTINGS, Meg Wolitzer
INZANESVILLE, Jo Ann Beard
WHO WILL RUN THE FROG HOSPITAL, Lorrie Moore
WE ALL WANT IMPOSSIBLE THINGS, Catherine Newman
TRUTH AND BEAUTY, Ann Patchett
*****
My story, ADD TO CART, is online! It’s from my (in-progress and ???? seeking a home) collection, MUST BE NICE, about four women grappling with how to be in the world when a son is arrested for stealing a dog from the SPCA, parents bust out of Assisted Living and return to the family home (which has already been sold) a sixteen-year-old daughter wants to freeze her eggs, a deadbeat ex-husband moves back in while he undergoes cancer treatment, and a humiliating hook up ends with a far more satisfying Zappos shopping spree. Despite all the tumult and pain, the women continue to fall in love, take care of each other, return to work, to eat and laugh and cook. Single, married, queer, newly divorced, they have ample opportunity to mess up and do their best, four friends, making their way through life.
Just a quick reminder, I’ve created a read.write.eat. Bookshop Store, where you will find many of the books I’ve recommended in the newsletter. Buying books from my shop is another way you can support my newsletter.
write
I dream of being in a writers’ room! Damn, sharing stories, ideas pinging and bouncing from person to person, the inspiration of the hive brain! Sounds like a dream to me. But a dream out of reach. Here are two other ways to include others, perhaps friends, in your writing.
Epistolary writing:
In HEADS OF COLORED PEOPLE, a terrific collection by Nafissa Thompson-Spires, there is a story, “Belles Lettres” in which two mothers exchange snide remarks through notes in their kids backpacks. It’s fun to trace their intimacy in the letters. Can you imagine writing a story in which a conflict is conducted completely through letters?
Sulieka Jaouad’s wonderful Substack newsletter, THE ISOLATION JOURNALS, recently had a post with several epistolary writing prompts in case you’d like to check them out.
In which a group of people write a poem, or make a drawing, the only rule is that each consecutive person has no idea what the person ahead of them wrote (or drew). You simply use an anchor word, the previous line from the poem, or drawn lines for the next artist to connect to. This makes for surprising, funny and fantastical possibilities. The technique is a great ice breaker, a great way to make collaborative art.
The dandelions darted across the field
like lions stalking a gazelle from afar
we paced back and forth in front of the doughnut shop
debating whether we should go in or go out
A sample drawing from IN THIS PLAYGROUND:
eat
What a terrific thing to do with friends! Here’s an amazing no-recipe-recipe for a potluck.
Pasta w/Feta
Buy a jar of cubed feta in oil. Like this one. Dump it in a large pasta bowl like this one. Add chopped sun dried tomatoes in oil. From a jar like this, I might rough chop and add about half or two-thirds. Definitely measure from your heart. Rough chop one full head of cilantro and add to bowl. Cook one pound of fusilli according to package directions, strain and add to bowl with the other ingredients. The heat will cause the feta to melt just the right amount to bring all the ingredients together. If it looks a little dry, add some olive oil from the sundried tomato jar. Serve hot or at room temp. The dish travels to a potluck very easily.
Your friends will be so delighted and amazed ! It will be as if you’ve momentarily cured them of… everything!
As a side note, a very wonderful friend suggested this potluck equation: Gorgonzola + butter + toasted walnuts + freshly cooked spaghetti. Toss and bells will chime!
Thank you so damn much for reading my newsletter! I l love hearing back from you. If you haven’t yet sent me your fav song to get you going in the morning, please do. I’m building a playlist for us all.
Of course, here’s Stanley! (the best pal ever)
Please, remember to tell your people you love them.xN
